taming your temper: choosing calm in difficult situations
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.18.5b
This is one of my favorite quotes from Meditations and it has had a huge impact on me and my life; so much so that I read and recite this nugget of wisdom every single morning, at least a couple of times, without fail.
Life is full of unexpected events that can easily throw us off balance. It could be a rude comment from a stranger, an employee making a mistake after detailed instructions, or your car breaking down in the middle of a busy day. In moments like these, our natural instinct is often to react with anger. It might feel justified, even necessary, in the heat of the moment. But just because something feels natural doesn’t mean it’s wise or beneficial.
Marcus Aurelius once remarked on the true nature of anger: "How much more harmful are the consequences of anger… than the circumstances that aroused them in us." This insight is profound. The situation itself—be it a rude person or a malfunctioning vehicle—might be unpleasant, but our anger in response can make things far worse. When we lash out in frustration, we only escalate the issue, clouding our judgment and worsening the emotional toll.
Anger never truly solves anything. Instead, it usually amplifies the problem, often leading to regret or further complications. For instance, yelling at an employee may not fix the mistake but may demoralize them, making future errors more likely. Losing our temper with someone who is rude only reinforces a cycle of negativity. And stressing over the car breaking down won’t get it fixed any faster. All anger does is prolong the suffering, often dragging others into our emotional storm.
As Seneca wrote in his essay on anger, “The best plan is to reject straightway the first incentives to anger, to resist its very beginnings, and to take care not to be betrayed into it: for if once it begins to carry us away, it is hard to get back again into a healthy condition, because reason goes for nothing when once passion has been admitted to the mind, and has by our own free will been given a certain authority, it will for the future do as much as it chooses, not only as much as you will allow it. The enemy, I repeat, must be met and driven back at the outermost frontier-line: for when he has once entered the city and passed its gates, he will not allow his prisoners to set bounds to his victory.”
The key is to remember that while it’s natural to feel anger, we have the power to choose a different response. Stoicism teaches us to pause and reflect, to recognize that our initial reaction might not be the most helpful. Instead of letting anger take control, we can practice patience, understanding, and clarity. This allows us to handle situations more effectively, turning potential frustrations into opportunities for growth.
Ultimately, controlling our anger is a way of controlling ourselves. It’s not about suppressing emotions but about responding in a way that leads to better outcomes—for us and for others. By doing so, we avoid the far more harmful consequences that anger tends to bring.
“If somebody says something negative to you, do not react. You have to get yourself to a point where you can stay calm and peaceful inside no matter what negative things happen on the outside. When you can maintain peace and joy within you despite any situation on the outside, you have become the master of everything.”
— Rhonda Byrne
